Last week, I experienced an unusual bout of fear. I was to discuss my memoir I Can See for Miles for a book signing at Best of Books in Edmond, Oklahoma.
Why the hell am I so scared? I thought.
As a member of Toastmasters, I have been speaking publicly for over eight years, sometimes up to 100 people at a time. And I am a professional speaker!
Why was a simple book signing daunting me? I had done it before. What was different?
I soon recognized it was the first book signing I would conduct on my own. For the other signings, my life coach and fellow author Jill Keuth had been with me to moderate the discussion. I didn’t have to draft my own speech. I just answered questions.
This time I was flying solo. I had to create my own content. During the weeks leading up to the signing, I agonized on what to say, how much of my story to tell, how vulnerable to make myself. Anytime I sat down to write, I didn’t like what I composed.
Furthermore, only one person confirmed they were attending. Thoughts of self-doubt cascaded through my mind.
What if no once shows up?
What if I am doing all the preparation and marketing for nothing?
What if I mess up?
What if I feel too vulnerable?
I even considered cancelling the event.
I spoke to my speaking coach Dave Ross about the difficulty I was having writing my speech. He advised me to imagine I was speaking to each person in the room. What did I want them to learn and feel?
“Put your heart out there and share it,” he said.
He also gave recommendations on how to construct my speech, but said his advice wasn’t “gospel.”
“Learn when and how to break the rules,” he said.
At last, I wrote a speech and presented it to my Toastmasters club a few days before the signing. I hated it. It was too formal. I realized I didn’t want to give a “Toastmasters speech.”
The day of the event, I decided to speak from my heart. After all, I know my story better than anyone. I assured myself I would know what to say to the audience when the time comes.
Still, the day of the signing, the inner critic inside me grew louder.
No one will show up.
Who are you to think you’re a professional speaker?
Ouch! I texted Jill.
She said, “Celebrate yourself for getting it set up, marketing it, and being so f*cking courageous! If one person shows up, awesome. Anything else is icing on the cake!
Remember, the more you grow, the bigger you get, the more you put yourself out there, the louder the critic will get. Let your critic know she isn’t the one speaking tonight. Your wisdom will come through, and you will speak from your heart and soul. You’ve got this!”
I decided even if no one shows up and only the event organizers are present, perhaps one person can benefit from my story.
When I arrived at Best of Books, Dani, the event organizer, had a cozy nook set up. As I waited for arrivals, the first person who appeared astonished me. It was my first-grade teacher Ms. McConaghy from Pawhuska and her daughter! I hadn’t seen my teacher in over 40 years!
My all-time favorite teacher! The one who taught me to read and instilled me with a love of books! Seeing her filled me with so much joy. We got to spend a few minutes reminiscing before the others arrived. Next came my cousin Zach and his family, my childhood friend Sara, my friends Lyndsey and Jonathan, my speaking coach Dave, and my aunt DiDi. Overall, about twelve people attended. I was elated to see them!
After everyone sat down, I started my story and focused on each member of the audience, as Dave suggested. It was not a “speech,” and would probably have made a terrible Toastmasters presentation.
Reflecting on the evening, I realized a formal speech would have been misplaced for the small, intimate setting of that particular book signing. I am glad I dispensed with my most of my Toastmasters training and just spoke with the audience – human to human.
I broke the rules.
After the event was over, I felt immense relief and gratitude. I hadn’t realized the weight it had imposed on me. Overall, I am so grateful I didn’t cancel the signing. I would have missed out on the wonderful opportunity to connect with the people present that night. And it helped me conquer my fears. I can hold my own!
